COLUMN: Older, and grumpier - ‘Can we see through each party’s election promises?’

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I am really excited about the pending General Election. I’m sure all of you are too.

Months of people knocking on my door at inconvenient moments asking me to vote for their candidate.

Those interesting exchanges of opinion with friends, family and total strangers concerning the issues of the day, not to mention the annoyingly repetitive Party Political Broadcast.

Mr Grumpy and I watch quite a bit of political debate-type programmes, more than perhaps we should given the house needs decorating and a gardener’s work is never done.

However, I feel it important to take some sort of an interest in how Britain is governed in our name. Each to his own. Everyone’s opinion is valid and at least we still have the right, for the moment, to express our views, within the law of the land.

I am not putting myself forward as a candidate this time round, but I have considered, were it not for the five grand joining fee, standing for the Grumpy Party.

I wonder what that would look like? I’d promise not to knock on your door or litter your hallway with flyers of my smiling face for starters.

I’d probably tell you to pay a bit more tax if I couldn’t get the sums to add up, because everyone needs roads, a health service and an education at some point in their life. I’d make sure the majority of quangos were humanly disposed of.

Have you looked at how much we spend on them?

I would abolish the following usage of language in the Political arena: ‘in real terms....hard working families...squeezed middle....year on year....’ and replace them with something like – move along, there’s no catchy phrases to see here.

MP expenses. No, just no. A fair pay for the job and I’d buy my own breakfast, just like I and you do now.

I’m not going to write the full manifesto yet given I’ve another four or five years to think about who I’d be prepared to sit next to in Parliament.

Everyone loves a bargain. I’m wondering what goodies each party have up their sleeve with which to attempt to seduce you and I to vote for them? The ‘promise’ of ‘big money’ for the region and a nice pink van are thus far the main incentives.

The word transparency is frequently used to give us a sense of there being no smoke and mirrors.

Well, I hope we can all see through some of the election fever promises that inevitably will be heading our way in the next few months.

Don’t even get me started on the ‘career politician.’