COLUMN: Grumpy, of Diss - ‘The perils of DIY housework’

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Our home is not a show house. I feel really bad about it. This may upset any of you for whom a non­immaculate living space makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up, but at least you don’t have to live here.

I have been doing my research and so far, I’ve found a number of interesting housework aids that, should I come into any money before donating my body to medical science (if it’s up to spec) I would like to invest in.

Top of the list:

A robot that changes the cat litter tray. Yes, apparently it has a little sensor that knows when the cat has been, then clumps everything together before removing into a lined waste tray.

The downside is you still have to remove the liner full of ‘clumps’ and put in the dustbin. If they manage to sort out the last bit, I’ll ask Santa for one. This would completely resolve the inherent dangers of manual cat clump removal.

There are a variety of little cleaning robots on the market.

Hands­-free vacuum, floor mopping etc. And not forgetting something every home should have: a gutter clearing bot. I think you still have to get up a ladder to put it up there and obviously there remains the question of who is going to remove what it clears?

That would be me then. A remote control painting system is something I’d give my eye teeth for (if anyone can find one).

It would completely negate the need for wall washing and keep Mr Grumpy entertained for hours. It could have prevented my recent near death experience of washing the sitting room ceiling (12 feet high), perched precariously at the top of our step­ladder sponge in hand, when the floor board beneath gave way.

There’s a robot to cut your lawn. I believe you may have to teach it the difference between grass and flowers, but with artificial neural networking, you probably just need to give it a gardening book to read.

Toilet, oven and fridge bots don’t appear to be available at the moment.

I’m hopeful they’ll be invented soon-ish.

Overall, I think I require a Robotic Servant to do the whole thing.

It would probably work out cheaper. Unfortunately, they won’t be available for about ten years and I don’t know if I’ve ten years’ worth of housework left in me.

I’m seriously considering moving into an establishment for people of a certain age just for the wonderful people who do all the housework.