Things have come to a head recently in the Lopham household.

It is nothing to do with the rain or school holidays – it's our booby-trapped kitchen.

New units have been talked about since we moved into the house two years ago but, due to the high cost and other urgent jobs cropping up, the major revamp has continually been put on hold.

Most regular visitors now know not to sit on a kitchen chair without first checking to see if it's one of the 'dodgy' ones, liable to leave them resting on the floor.

Never mind, have a cup of tea – but be careful opening the fridge door, the bar meant to hold things in the door rack fell off a few months ago, and now the water filter regularly flies across the floor.

Talking of water on the floor, the last time the washing machine broke down, the repair man warned me that due to the position of the incoming water pipe, it could at some time in the future confuse the washing machine and flood the kitchen.

A confused washing machine?

Perhaps it could compare notes with its cousin, the cremating cooker, whose thermostat seems to think that everything needs burning; 20 minutes is more than enough to cook even a roast to a crisp.

Or is it just me, the catastrophic cook in our calamitous kitchen?

Now I have designed my new gourmet's galley, will I be able to cope with the boring predictability of everything and the expectations of the family to produce culinary perfection?